Good P.I., Think Positive, Don’t Ever Give Up, EAT

I’m the King!!!

Not really, but I did dominate a dumpling-eating contest last night.

And it wasn’t even close.

Of course, it was a two-man race between me and Kel, so the outcome was never in doubt (in my mind, at least).

A little history first.  There’s a small restaurant here that specializes in three things: dumplings, fried rice, and fried noodles.  They do a lot of carryout and delivery business (I never did figure out a way to order delivery where they would’ve known what I was talking about though).  When I lived in my old apartment here, it was about a 5 minute walk door-to-door.  Plus they were open late, so that was always a good 4th meal (no Mcdonald’s or Taco Bell for me).

Anyways, of all the dumplings I’ve eaten in China, this place has the best by far.  About three months ago, Kel came up with the great idea that we should have an eating contest.  I readily agreed (I don’t really know why we waited this long to make it happen).  I knew there was no chance of me losing.  Put aside the fact that my prodigious eating abilities have been well-documented in the past (walk into the Champaign Alexander’s Steahhouse and look at the wall, you’ll see my brother’s and my smiling faces more than once for eating their three pound steak), but more importantly, I knew I had the will to win. I would just not let myself lose.  I knew that if Kel ate five orders, I could do six, no matter how sick I might feel.  If he did nine, I would do 10, it was just that simple.

Unfortunately, Kel didn’t put up nearly enough of a fight for me to be truly proud of my accomplishment.  We walked in and started off by ordering two for each of us (one order is 10 dumplings).  This is nothing special, when we go there for a regular dinner, it’s common for each of us to eat this many AND a big order of noodles (note: we are STUFFED after this).

Those first batches went down great, and so we ordered the next round.  The workers were a little confused at first when I asked for four more, they were thinking I was trying to pay for the previous ones, but after a little explanation and broken Chinese, they came out.  The third order went down well for each of us, but that’s where we both started to hit the wall.  Being a nice person, I gave Kel the option that we could call it off now, before we felt sick, and neither of us would be the loser.  I think he took this as weakness on my part.  He was wrong.

As we each started #4, each of us said that this was the point where they started to not be enjoyable anymore.  We were making sure to chew so much, that we compared it to a cow chewing her cud.  But I kept moving on, and Kel kept pace.  I grabbed a bottle of water from next door while #s 5 and 6 were ordered.  I fully expected to find Kel done with at least one of them by the time I got back, but he was only two dumplings in.

This is where I knew it was over.

I not only ratcheted up the speed a bit, but my trash-talking as well.  By the time I finished #5, Kel was listing a bit and visibly uncomfortable.  Now I knew I had him, but I think I talked a little too much.  He talked about ceding, but when I started going on about how he never had a chance in the first place, he soldiered on… for a little bit.  I took his perseverance as an insult to my ability, like, “How dare you continue? Don’t you know that you’re through?” and proceeded to finish my sixth order while he looked at me with a sick look on his face.  I was like Jordan in the 4th, icing the game away (yeah, I know, comparing gluttony to basketball is a great match).

And then I giggled.

So that’s why I won the crown.  In all, I ate 60 dumplings in 21 minutes.  I feel like if I had had a worthy competitor (or if Kel had just brought his A game), I could have been like Rick Ross and pushed it to the limit, maybe going as high as eight orders (and really, if i was that close, why not just go for double digits, just so I could say that I did?).  As is, I was a little happy that he quit when he did; it’s not like I felt good eating all of them, but there was no way I would lose.

One thing I do know now: I won’t be missing dumplings when I return home.

P.S… And then we each got an ice cream bar. Nice.

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