See My Vest, See My Vest, Made of Real Dog Chest!

(Hopefully this doesn’t make too many people hate me, but, as it turns out, I lied.  I never ate dog.  Actually, what happened was my Chinese alter ego, Wu Tang, is the one that ate it.  Since I obviously don’t have any firsthand knowledge of what it’s like to tear into man’s best friend, I’ve decided to leave the writing of this post to him.  Any problems with content or language, take it up with him… So, without further ado, here’s Wu Tang)

Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin?  There are just so many thoughts floating thru my head right now, so many tasteless dog jokes to make (and by tasteless, I mean the jokes will be lacking class, not that the dog had no taste, because I know now, and you will soon, that dog meat is delicious).

So Kel, Zhang, and I headed to the restaurant.  It was a normal Saturday night, but there was a buzz in the air.  An excitement so thick, you could cut it with a knife (just like dog meat…. wordplay!).  There was a person that I used to dislike so much, that a friend of mine said that it was like I was literally “radiating hate” anytime I had to be in the same room with him.  Well, this night, I was radiating love.  Ok, so not so much love, but I was definitely jacked.  I felt like a kid on the way to the pet shop to get his first puppy (except that instead of taking this puppy home and loving it, this kid was going to cook and eat lil’ Sparky).  Actually, I guess you could kind of say that it was hate that I was radiating, hate for dogs.  I was practically high on hate.  I told Kel that there are few times when you would see me as happy as I was at that moment (it turns out that I was wrong on that count, because I was just as happy right AFTER eating dog as well, but we can just wrap the two up into one overarching experience).

From the outside, the restaurant looks just like any other restaurant in China.  This wasn’t a particularly fancy place, but definitely a little nicer than a typical dinner that we eat here (but we’re cheap bastards, so that‘s not saying much).  Anyways, I should mention that, contrary to most white devils’ opinion, dog is not widely eaten in China.  In fact, the majority of people that I talk to here don’t eat it.  They think it’s inhumane (I’ve never understood this in reference to animals, I mean, they AREN’T human, why should we act humanely to them?), just like a lot of Americans.  However, a good portion of them have at least tried it once in their life, and a sizable portion thinks it’s delicious even if they don’t regularly eat it.  This is all a roundabout way of saying that I really had to search out this meal.  Ok, we didn’t search, but we have been telling Zhang for the last 6 months that he had to take us to eat dog (The only reason that it took this long was because he informed us that dog makes you warm, so we should eat it in the winter, at least, that‘s traditionally best… Of course, he also told us that it’s an aphrodisiac, but it’s not like we went out and tried to pick up bar girls or went to the “barber shops” that don’t have any haircutting equipment, so it’s not like we listened to every suggestion he made).

Back home, anytime people would ask me if I was going to eat dog, I always said that I probably would if the opportunity arose, but that I wouldn’t go looking for it.  Well, now that I have done it, I can say that that was a lie ( A goddamn lie!).  I knew all along that I was going to sample the forbidden fruit.

And really, why not?  I said in the post on the main blog that I’m not really a dog lover.  I know that when Nolan and company back home read this, they probably choked in shock, because this is the understatement of the century.  That is like saying that 2pac didn’t like Biggie, or the Japanese aren’t fans of whales and dolphins (F#$# YOU WHALE! F#$@ YOU DOLPHIN!).  No, I pretty much hate dogs.  But really, it’s not so much hate, but more like hate for people (dog lovers) not being able to understand WHY I don’t like dogs.  If you like dogs, more power to you., but don’t act mystified when I tell you that I don’t like them.

Why would I like them?
They are smelly.
They are ignorant.
They shed everywhere.
They smell bad.

They aren’t smart.

Basically, they’re animals.  That’s it.  And an animal is food.

I’m not seeing a ton of reasons for me to become attached.  I can honestly say that there has only been one dog EVER that I would say I liked, and, maybe…. gulp… even loved.  Other than that? Their names are all just “dog” to me.  I don’t feel any particular feelings one way or the other (except for that one that bit Kel in the ass at Aquin back when we were 10, I hate that dog.  Actually, that might have been what traumatized me at an early age.  I mean, if my fat ass had been a little slower, then I would have been the one to get bit when all of us scattered.  As is, Kel used to be a pudgy lil kid, and he just couldn‘t move so fast.  Thank god for childhood obesity worse than mine!).   But, like I said, people start getting on my case, and my ambivalence (practicing my vocabulary again) towards dogs morphs into a form of hatred.

A good example of this is the Mike Vick case.  Now, don’t get me wrong, what he did was horrible, despicable, and treacherous.   But two years? Really?  And now people protest him? I say, let the guy work.  He’s paid his due (and lost MILLIONS of dollars in the process).  C’mon, I mean, Donte Stallworth KILLED A HUMAN and got like 30 days.  Lay off a bit, PETA.  But because everyone knew I don’t care for dogs, all of a sudden people were saying that Vick must be my hero, and I must admire him so much.  Well, be happy, because now you’ve forced me to take a position siding with a guy who kills dogs (and doesn’t eat them, which is the real crime).  Basically I play the devil’s advocate (and really, in this case, it’s not that hard.  Murderers get less than dog killers, does that really make sense?), but the difference with me is that when I take on this role, not only do I try to be right in whatever it is, but I think I kind of like it too.  The more people disagree when I’m right (or better yet, the rare time that I am wrong), the more I’m going to argue.  It’s just fun.  (Anybody who wonders where my love of R. Kelly comes from can understand a bit better now… Of course, I was listening to the R back when I was wayyy too young (Thank you, BMG Music Club!), so that might have something to do with it too.)

Anyways, back to the night in question.  It turns out that the restaurant’s specialty is dog.  “Gao” is in its name even.  They really know what they’re doing.  So ordering is just like any other meal here, we tell Zhang we want dog, dog, and dog… and a lot of other food.

The first dish looks like pieces of dried beef, just little chunks of roasted meat.  It’s the secret ingredient tonight.  Served with a plate of salt and chili paste, it’s really good.  The meat itself wasn’t anything special though, a little dry, but tasty.  I compare it to dry roast beef, the kind you get at a cheap buffet or school lunch.  The other dog dish is hot pot, which is essentially a pot of broth that they put on your table on a heat supply.   The broth has chunks of meat on the bone, and some onions and spices.  It comes with plates of sliced potatoes, parsley, rice noodles, and rice cakes.  You put a little bit of each into the pot and let it cook, and then eat it as it finishes.  Chinese people love hot pots (with any variety of meat or seafood), but I usually don’t go for them (too much work just for soup).  However, the flavor is great, so I’m definitely happy at this point.

And this is where the night took a surprising turn.  Zhang informed us that the workers were about to kill a dog.  And where do they do this at? RIGHT ON THE FRONT SIDEWALK! Unbelievable.  So we head out the front door to come face-to-face with one of the most freaky sights I have ever seen.  There are 2 workers, a giant pot of boiling water (or oil, not really sure), and two dead, skinned dogs laying on the sidewalk.  One of the workers is holding a stick with a chain or rope of some kind around a third dog’s neck.  There’s a bag over its head (the dog’s, not the worker’s), and the other chef was holding his foot on the dog’s head.  I’m not sure what the final end to the dog’s life was, but it was either a quick jerk of the stick (snapping its neck), or a stomp to the head.  At that point, it was done, and it was time to finish dinner.

I should note that we did ask the boss if we could take pictures of them “preparing dinner”, but that wasn’t allowed.  Thru Zhang, she told us that if they allowed pictures, they might end up on the internet and the restaurant would get in trouble.  This seemed a little odd, since they weren’t hiding what they were doing by using the front sidewalk, but we did what they asked anyways.

A few small points I’ll make now (and to answer a question or two):
- Yes, dog IS delicious with root vegetables.  But I think it could be good a variety of ways.  I think a Philly Cheese DogSteak would be great, maybe with a nice Dijon.
- No, unfortunately you cannot order by different breed of dog.  I wanted to try huskie.  It seems like that wouldn’t be too fatty (like pug) or too stringy (greyhound).  The three carcasses we saw all appeared to be the same size and breed.  I don’t know dogs well enough to be able to tell, but if I had to guess, I would say somewhat smaller than a lab, but bigger than a greyhound.  Christina’s friend has actually tried dog as well, but he went to an actual farm (in a different city) where they raise the animals… And here I had always thought they just went to the street with a line of pet shops and picked up that’s night menu… “I’ll have 3 monkeys, 2 cats, 6 dogs, and a couple parrots.”
- Yes, you can order it different ways.  We told Zhang that we wanted it as many ways as possible and he came up with two dishes.  I think they could’ve done more, but when we try to specify requests like that, he sometimes think we are joking (this is an extreme opposite of most Chinese.  Usually, people here have no idea when we are joking – my brilliant sarcastic wit is lost on them – but Zhang tends to think everything is a joke).  I think a nice schnauzer sausage would have been the best.
- The meat seemed to be pretty lean.  Of course, the Chinse style of butchering and trimming meat makes that hard to be sure because there was plenty of fat on there, but I’m guessing that’s all there was, they didn’t trim it at all.
- While eating, Kel remarked that it tastes like squirrel.  I don’t know what squirrel tastes like (not that I’d be adverse to trying it), but this is the moment I really realized my friend was a redneck.  We’ve long suspected it, but this really sealed the deal.

So, there you go, that’s my dog story.  Nothing too exciting really, but I hope you understand why I didn’t post this on the regular blog page.  I figured it was a touch too graphic (I also like how I’m putting my disclaimer up at the end of this post), so I might as well not leave it in the gray area between PG-13 and R, and take it straight to R-rated.  If anyone has anymore questions about dog, how to prepare it, or a suitable wine (If you don’t like the traditional HuangJiu (yellow rice wine), warmed in a teapot, I think a nice Shiraz would do the trick), just let me know.